I am planning to get married early next year to a man I met while studying in the U.S.

Our Fearless Leader

He is from the same country and culture as am I, so it was a very comfortable relationship in such a strange land. When he proposed, and my parents found him acceptable, I was very happy.

But, now I have met his family. My fiance’s family is very conservative, and they are insisting that I return to our home country so a doctor of their choosing can inspect me for proof of virginity.

Now, I haven’t been a loose woman, but I fear that this doctor will accuse me of being with many men, and my fiance will disown me.

I have heard that in this wonderful country of yours there is a surgical technique that can fix any “problems” that this doctor might discover … down there. Is this true, and how do I find such a doctor?

Anonymous
in Sequoia Canyon, California

Dear Canyon

There is such a procedure, known as hymenoplasty, in which a doctor restores your hymen, and its main patients are women of a certain faith whose families expect them to be sexually inexperienced.

The late Bill Hicks comes to mind

I’m guessing you are asking about this because, while you may not have been a loose woman when you came to this country, after you climbed on every piece of American beef you could find, you are now. You may want to consider another procedure as well, called vaginal tightening or vaginal reconstruction.

While some people decry the virginity fetishism that popularizes these techniques as sexist, hypocritical, and totally unrealistic, I ask the women I date to have both procedures done on an a biannual basis. An unfortunate side effect of my massive girth is I tend to wear women out fairly quickly.

Not to mention it’s a fun way to celebrate a birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving, or other sex-related holiday.

Restoring your hymen doesn’t make you a virgin. But, if your fiance is such a dumbass that he expects you are, it will probably fool him, as well as some banana-republic-diploma-carrying third-world doctor. I say go for it. If they want a hymen, give them one. Get the surgery, get married, and then set your husband on fire in his sleep. Blame the terrorists; that always works for George W. Bush when he does something illegal, immoral, or just plain stupid.

And then go out and enjoy your new vagina and all the pleasure it brings you (and any American beef onto which you climb). And give me a call before you wear it out.

I hope this helps.

Biff

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My family members are all strong supporters of the Democratic party, and denigrate Republicans every time the conversation turns to politics.

Our Fearless Leader

This is heartbreaking, because I myself am a “secret” Republican. My mom knows that the man I’m dating is a Republican, and she condemns his political beliefs behind his back. She even calls him names like “right-wing nut job.”

My brothers like to insult Republicans, too, and say things like, “Republicans are dumb-asses.”

I don’t want to tell them about my beliefs because of the things they have said. Also, since I’m a teenager, I can’t move out. What should I do?

— a Republican in hiding

Dear RePube,

I can see your problem. You obviously need to watch the news more often, and read newspapers.

An Ironic Elephant
 

After all, the only way you could remain a Republican these days is that you are doing neither.
Because if you did, you would see that Repubicans are not only dumb-asses, they are crooked, power-hungry monsters that will subvert the constitution to stay in power, enrich their powerful friends, and screw the rest of us.

But, have no fear. Even if your mind is set in its Repubican ways so thoroughly that opening your eyes to the world around you doesn’t change your political leanings, there is still hope for you.

You allow your parents to support you, even though you strongly disagree with their beliefs, all the while railing against the Democrats’ “welfare economy.” With willful cognitive dissonance that highly-tuned, I think you probably have a bright future ahead of you in the Republican party.
I hope this helps.

Need Advice?
Just ask Biff. Our publisher will answer your questions on relationships personal, business, or any other. Just write to him at Biff’s Rehab Center 

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