My Fiancé’s Family Wants a Prenuptial Inspection!
Dear Biff,
I am planning to get married early next year to a man I met while studying in the U.S.
He is from the same country and culture as am I, so it was a very comfortable relationship in such a strange land. When he proposed, and my parents found him acceptable, I was very happy.
But, now I have met his family. My fiance’s family is very conservative, and they are insisting that I return to our home country so a doctor of their choosing can inspect me for proof of virginity.
Now, I haven’t been a loose woman, but I fear that this doctor will accuse me of being with many men, and my fiance will disown me.
I have heard that in this wonderful country of yours there is a surgical technique that can fix any “problems” that this doctor might discover … down there. Is this true, and how do I find such a doctor?
Anonymous
in Sequoia Canyon, California
Dear Canyon
There is such a procedure, known as hymenoplasty, in which a doctor restores your hymen, and its main patients are women of a certain faith whose families expect them to be sexually inexperienced.
I’m guessing you are asking about this because, while you may not have been a loose woman when you came to this country, after you climbed on every piece of American beef you could find, you are now. You may want to consider another procedure as well, called vaginal tightening or vaginal reconstruction.
While some people decry the virginity fetishism that popularizes these techniques as sexist, hypocritical, and totally unrealistic, I ask the women I date to have both procedures done on an a biannual basis. An unfortunate side effect of my massive girth is I tend to wear women out fairly quickly.
Not to mention it’s a fun way to celebrate a birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving, or other sex-related holiday.
Restoring your hymen doesn’t make you a virgin. But, if your fiance is such a dumbass that he expects you are, it will probably fool him, as well as some banana-republic-diploma-carrying third-world doctor. I say go for it. If they want a hymen, give them one. Get the surgery, get married, and then set your husband on fire in his sleep. Blame the terrorists; that always works for George W. Bush when he does something illegal, immoral, or just plain stupid.
And then go out and enjoy your new vagina and all the pleasure it brings you (and any American beef onto which you climb). And give me a call before you wear it out.
I hope this helps.
Biff
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